


Starlight

by TrainRush



Series: Febuwhump 2021 [2]
Category: A Hat in Time (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Nihilistic Conductor, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, again cond is part fire spirit. this is gonna be a constant in all my fics from now on lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-13 00:01:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29144127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrainRush/pseuds/TrainRush
Summary: DAY 2: “i can’t take this anymore”Just like people, stars burn out.—(or, alternatively, the Conductor talks about his depression with Grooves. it doesn’t end well.)
Relationships: The Conductor & DJ Grooves (A Hat in Time)
Series: Febuwhump 2021 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2105115
Comments: 6
Kudos: 23





	Starlight

DJ Grooves couldn’t remember why exactly, but he and the Conductor had gotten into an argument.

Well, he wouldn’t exactly call it an  _ argument:  _ it was a typical back-and-forth between the two, with Conductor yelling accusations and Grooves deflecting them. He was used to these kinds of exchanges, and mostly everything the Conductor had thrown at him he’d heard before. There was one thing that set this encounter apart from the rest, though: instead of being in the lobby or the main halls of the studio like they typically were, the two were somehow fighting in the Conductor’s bedroom.

All Grooves had done was gone in to check on him — the latter had been in an awful mood all day — but as soon as he stepped foot through the door, the insults began. There was never even a simple “go away;” it was always something about how terrible Grooves was and how bad his movies were. All things considered, Grooves was concerned, and he wasn’t going anywhere soon. Exactly  _ what _ the Conductor was so pressed about remained a mystery still, but something told him that he needed to find out, or else—

“Ye probably don’t even pay yer actors. Maybe that’s why they’re all so bad.”

“Of course I pay my actors, darling. You do, don’t you?”

“Are ye implying I don’t? I’m a responsible director, unlike  _ you.” _

“How am I irresponsible?”

“Yer always blasting yer music all across the studio — just about blow out me eardrums every time you do it—“

“It’s not that loud, is it?”

“‘Course it is!“

“Then I’ll turn my music down next time I put it on. Would that be alright, darling?”

“I— ye—“

Caught, the Conductor froze a little. One of his ears flicked in annoyance.

“Why are ye still here, anyway? Hm?”

Now Grooves was caught. He searched for an answer.

“You’ve been in a terrible mood all day, darling. Even worse than usual. I just wanted to make sure you were doing alright.”

The Conductor’s ear twitched again. “I don’t know what yer talking about.”

“I watched you threaten one of your actors with a knife in the hallway. And, if I recall correctly, they were your lead.”

“So?”

“I know you, Conductor — you pick favorites. If you pick an actor to be your lead, it’s because you like them.”

Conductor shuffled a little bit, crossing his arms with a huff. Apparently he didn't have anything to say, because the two stood in silence for a moment. In the midst of the silence, Grooves took off his glasses, cleaning them on his coat. He watched the Conductor as he did so, but the latter wouldn’t meet his gaze.

“Did something happen?”

“No.” The Conductor’s response was short and blunt, yet it was also uncertain, and he still refused to look the other in the eye.

“You can always talk to me, darling; I’m here to listen.”

He grimaced, looking somewhere else.

“I may not be the best at giving advice — I mean, if that’s what you need to hear — but I can at least give some kind of reassurance. I’m here for you.”

As soon as he spoke that final sentence, the Conductor tensed, frowning. Almost as though he didn’t want to believe it. Unnerved by this response, Grooves glanced away nervously. His instincts told him that Conductor was going to start arguing again, but—

“Why?”

Gaze snapping back, Grooves stared at the Conductor, wide-eyed. 

“Why?” Grooves echoed. “Darling, we’ve known each other for the better half of our lives. We’ve been through a lot together. It wouldn’t be kind to not repay you for staying by my side—“

“No, not that.”

DJ Grooves blinked. “What, then?”

“I just…” The Conductor put a hand to his head. “...I don’t understand how even after all this time, after all ye’ve been put through, after all  _ I’ve  _ put ye through, you’re still so  _ bright.” _

“...What do you mean?”

“I mean ye’re so _optimistic_ and— and _happy_ and it just doesn’t make any pecking _sense!_ Ye’ve lost all but one award, ye’ve had people _mock_ you, _degrade_ you, and yet yer just don’t _break!_ _How?! How do you do it?!”_

Grooves almost took a step back from the weight of the Conductor’s words. He didn’t want to admit it, but that had been a question he’d been asking himself, too. So, he gave the Conductor the only answer he could think of:

“I just try my best, darling.”

“Are you implying  _ I’m not?” _

“N-no! That’s not what I—“

“Ye don’t think I’m trying my hardest  _ every damn day _ of my life?” As the Conductor began to blaze with fury, Grooves looked on helplessly. “Every day I wake up and I try my  _ damn hardest _ to get through the day, to get my work done, to not pecking  _ implode on myself  _ with the weight of everything that I have to do—“ He paused, catching his breath. “—And then I see you! Doing everything so  _ effortlessly  _ and it makes me lose my  _ mind  _ because I’m not doing anything wrong, am I? And ye’re not even as successful as me! I have the world in the palm of my hands, and yet I’m  _ still  _ not happy. What am I doing wrong, Grooves??  _ What is it?!” _

Out of breath again, the Conductor stopped yelling, instead putting his hands to his head and gripping his feathers. As he took a pause, DJ Grooves felt his heart plummet. He could feel the words sinking in as he realized just how bad things had gotten for the Conductor. He wanted to offer some kind of consolidation, but he wasn’t sure if anything he offered would work. So, he simply stood there, unsure of what to do.

An unreadable expression crossed the Conductor’s face. “I’m successful, but not happy. I’ve searched so long for a middle ground, but I can’t find it. Sure, conducting my train makes me…  _ happy, _ but just conductin’ doesn’t make me  _ successful.  _ I want people to admire me. People don’t admire train conductors, do they?

“...Even conducting me train has lost its sparkle. Even then, I’m only ever happy when I’m alone on my perch. What kind of a life is that to live? Where I can only be happy when I’m in some particular place? ...But what else is there?”

Grooves wanted desperately to try and say something, but he wasn’t sure what. Could he even say anything? Or would he only make things worse?

“What else is there?” he repeated, staring blankly into space.

Then, he seemed to have a realization. He smiled. “I could run away.”

“Run away?” Startled into speaking, Grooves wringed his hands. “Conductor, you have a whole life here. What would you be leaving us?”

“That would be for you to deal with. All I know is I can’t pecking take this life anymore. It’s not for me. Nothing makes me happy anymore.” The Conductor considered for a moment. “Maybe I could go hide away in the alps, living with the nomads? Or maybe…”

“Conductor—“

He grinned. “Maybe Subcon! I’m already part Fire Spirit, so they’d just be welcoming me home. Imagine how wonderful that would be! Finally living free with my cousins, dancing like the flames…”

Grooves’s heart pounded. What the Conductor was describing to him was a death wish. Did he realize that? ...He had to have, right? Was this what he wanted?

“...It would be so beautiful, skipping along the walls of fire, free from all care and responsibility. Maybe then I’d finally be happy. Maybe I’d finally be at home. Soaking up the heat and letting myself burn. And when the dance concludes and all is at peace and our bonfire is burning tall, we join the flames at last, letting ourselves burn eternally. Wouldn’t that be amazing? To join the ranks of the stars—?”

_ “Conductor!” _

Grooves seized the Conductor by his shoulders, the latter of which jolted suddenly from the trance he’d been caught in. As soon as he realized who had grabbed him, he wriggled from the other’s grasp, catching himself before he fell backwards. Hostility suddenly filled him, and he opened his mouth to give his rival a word of his mind before he noticed what had happened with a pang of shock and fear.

Just like the Fire Spirits he’d described, he, too, was glowing bright gold.

He looked up at Grooves who appeared equally nervous.

“...Why don’t we get you some water, and we can talk again afterwards.”

The Conductor resigned himself to silent agreement, and the two walked together out of the room.


End file.
